Your child is engaging in behaviours which seem to be attention-seeking. In this article we will understand what these behaviours are, how to look at them from a different lens, and tips to support your child during these moments.

What are attention-seeking behaviours?

Our children engage in lots of behaviours that can be surprising to us. We try to understand them and give them a label. Often times we label these behaviours as “attention-seeking”, meaning that the child is acting out just for the sake of getting attention. But is it?

Let’s look at behaviours in children. Most behaviours are an outward sign of what is happening to the child internally. Mona Delahooke calls this “beyond behaviours”. So looking beyond the behavioural symptoms will help us determine what the child is experiencing and what is the best way to help the child in that situation.

In most instances, whenever a child is acting-out it is because internally they are dysregulated, meaning that they are out of sync and their bodies are reacting to this. Their brains and body are still learning to figure it all out, and at times they don’t have the understanding, meaning and expression/vocabulary when all the feelings take them over. So they communicate this internal turmoil to the outside world through their behaviour. As adults we see this behaviour. However, we have to address their inside world to be effective in reaching them.

Rephrasing attention-seeking behaviours?

When we solely address the behaviour, we might miss the opportunity to address what is actually happening to the child. If we look at these behaviours as “attachment-seeking”, we view the child differently. When we view behaviours from an attention-seeking sense, we tend to view the behaviours (and perhaps the child) in a ‘negative way’, such as angry, mean, clingy, loud, defiant, etc. However, when we start to shift our focus and see the behaviours as the child’s way of saying “hey I’m not understanding what’s happening in my brain-body connection, and I need your help to sort it out for me/to support me/to help me understand/to teach me healthy ways”; then things look different.

So instead of addressing the behaviour, we are speaking to our child’s deep needs of connection and emotional regulation. Does this mean that we do not address the behaviour? Does this mean that we throw out all of our rules and boundaries and expectations? No! You will address the behaviour, but the difference is that you are not focusing solely on the behaviour without also addressing the other needs of your child, so that your child feels seen, heard and safe. Then, once this happens, the behaviours will diminish.

How to address the behaviours and the emotions?

So, first we need to address the behaviour. Children need and thrive on limits. These have to be consistent and “fair” to the child (so no punishments that are given in the heat of the moment, which are usually unrealistic and unsustainable).

Addressing the child’s behaviours. Try to speak to the relationship/feelings rather than to the behaviour. You will find that this strategy helps your child feel understood and heard, and will help to calm the moment. So, saying something like this: “You are so frustrated” (instead of “I won’t let you bang the door”), or “You wished to make the team and you did not” (instead of “It’s ok, maybe next time you’ll do better” or “We don’t always win in life”), or “It is SO hard to be a student” (instead of “Get off the video-game and study”).

Having said this, sometimes we need to address a behaviour in the moment. However, keep your words at a minimum (don’t lecture), and watch your body language (try to be as calm as possible – so no big body presence like clenched teeth, closed fists, wide shoulders, etc). Also judge the situation, and how your child is reacting. If your child is getting more agitated, then focus more on validating and speaking to the emotions. So, you can say something like “We use nice words for people”, or “That needs to stop”. Sometimes using positive phrases can be more helpful than negative – so saying “gentle hands” instead of “don’t hit” (as children tend to get stuck when we use what not to do). We kind of have to speak to their brain and tell it what to do.

Sometimes we also have to address our own behaviours – the behaviours of the adults. By this I mean, looking at our body language, tone of voice. How are we feeling in the moment? Are we ourselves feeling dysregulated because of the behaviour that is happening. If so, it is ok to have these feelings as we are humans. What we need to do though, is be the adult in the room. If we need our own time-out that is totally fine and a good role model for our child – “I had such a hard day at work today and I am reacting not wisely. Let me go and take a shower and I’ll be back more refreshed.”

Then once the situation/behaviour is addressed in the moment, we all go our way. We are all too emotional/dysregulated to have a calm conversation. At a later time, you can bring up the behaviour and talk about it with your child. It will be a talk that comes from listening, empathy, and really wanting to know what is going on for your child. In this conversation, child will feel understood, safe, that you have their back, and together you can come up with some next steps.

From a Christian perspective

The whole story in the Bible is of God wanting a relationship with us, His children. He pursues us, He reaches out to us, He keeps forgiving us, He disciplines us when need be, and He is merciful. Likewise, as adults caring for a child we have to emulate God’s love, discipline/guidance, grace and mercy towards our children. We need to work on building our relationship with our child from an attachment lens.

Got some insights? Would love to read your comment below…

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Greetings! I’m Claire, a Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO; supporting Christian families with their 6 to 12 year old child’s behavioural challenges. Thank you for taking up your time to read this article, and hope that you found it useful to answering your questions.

Would you like more support, maybe more personalised to your situation? Check out myCaRE&CO’s services and e-mail me directly at info@mycareandco.com. You can also schedule a free ‘discovery call’ to discuss your child’s and family’s needs and goals. 

Claire Esikalam MSW, RSW, B.Ed. (Hons.) Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO.

www.myCareandCo.com

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