It was very common practice when I was growing up for families to have at least one meal a day together – usually dinner. However, nowadays things seem to be so rushed or family members are on their devices and eat meals separately, which negatively impacts healthy child development. In this article, we will discuss what is so special about family meals, how they help children with challenging behaviours, and some tips to make them work for your family.

What is it about family meals that is so important?

Connection. Connection. Connection. I still remember some of our family meals of when I was a kid myself – I remember the jokes and lighthearted conversations, sharing about our day, feeling heard and important that the adults are taking their time to listen and have me part of the conversation, feeling part of a larger community (family) who cares about me. Also we had our own family rituals, such as ringing a bell to indicate that we need to gather at the table for dinner, or you cannot get up before everyone finishes eating. At the time I did not always appreciate them (as at times we had a curfew around dinner, or I would have much rather continued playing), but now looking back I really value those memories and the positive impact that those family meals had.

What about you? How were your own family meals growing up? (you can comment below to let us know)

I also know of other families who did not have this special time as a family, and either meals together where in complete silence, or there were angry tones and scoldings, or they just did not happen. It is sad for those who experienced this kind of family meals, and I am here to tell you that you can truly change your story around and start family meals with your own family where connection happens.

Research shows that sitting down as a family for meals positively impacts self-esteem, academic performance, and the overall well-being of children and adolescents (Fulkerson et al., 2006). Studies also show that all in all family meals has a positive nutritional impact on a child or adolescent’s diet (Suggs et al., 2018). With the latter, it is important to note that exerting food-related pressure and excessive control will instead backfire and cause less healthy eating and unpleasant mealtimes. Our aim is for family meals to foster connection and a safe space.

Children who are acting-out often crave connection and the opportunity to be heard. Family meals give this space where family members can make time for each other, without distractions, and show a genuine interest and care in each other’s lives.

Does it have to be dinner, and does it have to be every day?

The answer is No, and No! The idea behind family meals is to relax as a family, have conversations (these could be lighthearted, deep conversations, a time to transmit family values), and build those connections over a relaxed time.

It can be any meal that works for your family – it can be breakfast, weekend lunches, afternoon tea, dinner, BBQs.

It also does not have to be every single day, although you should aim for 5 meals together a week, and they can be a mixture of meals. If you currently don’t take any meals together, start with 2 a week and slowly build from there.

It can also be outside at a restaurant, or a picnic at the park. As long as conversation is happening. For this to happen, there needs to be open connection with the members who are present ‘at the table’, so phones/devices (where you are connecting with the outside world) would need to be put away during this time. I would also recommend to switch off the TV and the loud music, so that the focus can be on the family members and the conversation.

It does not have to be an elaborate 3 course home cooked meal. At times it can be a frozen pizza, or a take-out.

It does not need to take hours to finish a meal. It is more about the quality of the time together.

Why is ‘connection’ so important for children’s development?

During the meal times, it is not just about the shared stories of the day, but it is more about the very important connections that are happening:

• children feel valued and heard when adults genuinely listen and care about their day
• children feel safe to share their good and their bad, when adults are open to all conversations (non-judgemental stance)
• children are coming to you (the adult) with their stories, instead of keeping them either bottled up inside them or going to their peers
• children start looking up to you as this safe person, which leads to them sharing (like this as an adult you will know what is happening in their lives, and can be a positive influence/guide)
• the family feels connected – fostering unity, family identity, and adults get a chance to transmit family values

What are other benefits of family meals?

• children thrive on routines, and having a set time and structure for meals is very beneficial for their development
• children learn table manners and have the opportunity to practice what is modelled to them by the adults
• Montessori philosophy is big on teaching and allowing children from a very young age to be involved in age-appropriate tasks around family meals, such as setting the table, clearing away and cleaning. This teaches children cooperation from a young age, contributing to the family, and a sense of pride that they are part of the family.
• occasionally it could be involving the children (age-appropriate) in preparing the meal to foster family unity and a sense of responsibility – it could be choosing the menu, cooking or helping in the cooking, the serving.
• children develop much needed conversation skills and language acquisition skills, that would serve them well as they go out in the world.
• allows children to be themselves – away from the pressures of peers, society. They feel accepted for who they are within the family. They feel a sense of belonging. They feel the genuine care of the adults.
• it is a chance for the adults to impart their guidance about topics that come up (and adults can intentionally bring up topics age-appropriate). Always remain open and curious, vs judgemental and critical.

An added benefit of family meals – gauge mood of your child

As an adult, you would also have the time and opportunity to gauge the mood of your child – are they their usual self, is something preoccupying them, etc? Then at a later stage, during a quiet time, one-on-one, you would be able to have a conversation with your child:
I noticed that you were unusually quiet today during dinner, what’s up? or I noticed how you reacted to …., what’s up?

Because you would have built a solid connection with your child, they are more likely to accept your question and concern, and share with you. Also, child feels the genuine care that parent/caregiver noticed that something is worrying them, and took time to ask them.

They might not share when you ask, but if they say “nothing” (as they might be surprised with your unexpected question) you can always say:
ok, I just noticed that and wanted to let you know that I care about you, and if you want to discuss something later on you can always let me know so that we find some quiet time to talk, ok?

What not to do during family meals?

We are not looking for perfect family meals, because they do not exist. So there might periods of extended silence, there could be a child/adolescent who is not cooperating, there might be an unexpected change in schedule and meal time together has to be cancelled.

I would some things to a list as to try to avoid during family meals, so that they are kept as positive as can possibly be:

• don’t lecture
• don’t talk about things that might upset your child. For instance about a bad grade that they got. This conversation, which is important too, can be brought up later at a quiet personal time.
• don’t force young children to sit at the table for too long
• try to avoid having every meal the same family member dominating the conversation (ask questions to involve everyone – even if you always get the “ugh” from the adolescent).
• likewise do not have devices dominating/distracting you from a connected time – turn off TVs, loud music, and keep phones off the table.

Some ideas to help make family meals positive

• as Christians, I would start with a prayer. You can ask a different family member each time to say a prayer of gratitude. Some families light a candle at the start of the meal and then blow it out at the end of the meal to symbolise Christ’s light.
• involve all family members, especially the children with age-appropriate tasks. The younger children can help with setting up the table and clearing up. The older children can help with things like planning the menu, food preparation, setting up, clearing up.
• plan ahead as to which meals would work best for that week’s schedule. And always have that frozen pizza in the freezer or a back-up plan, for a day when things do not go as planned.
• can use cards as conversation starters. I have purchased Talking Point cards.
• ask open ended questions. So instead of asking “how was your day”, ask “what was special (good or not so good) about your day today?” Some people use imagery for this – what was a rose (good) in your day, what was a thorn (bad) in your day?
• make family meals fun, by playing appropriate games. When people are feeling lighthearted, connection happens more.

Recommendations

• start small and celebrate those tiny steps. Ask: what is one small thing that you would want to change for now? Remember, it does not have to be a full blown dinner, it can also be meeting at the kitchen table for snacks and a hot chocolate. It does not need to be everyday, but slowly build up to 5 meals together a week. It also does not mean every family member has to be present for every meal – this depends on the family, but the idea is to have children part of a meal where an adult who cares is present and cares about them and their day.
• the key is about connection. So the focus is on making the meal enjoyable, and all family members feel that when they speak there is someone who is listening to what they have to say – in an atmosphere that is non-judgemental, not much conflict, no criticism, no anger.
• be realistic with your expectations according to ages and needs of the children. For instance, just 5 to 10 minutes is good enough for young child, and slowly build from there. Or if it is exam week for the older children, adjusting meal times accordingly.
• involve the children as much as they can. They would buy in much more to family meals if they contribute and their ideas are valued.
• evaluate and evaluate. As things progress, evaluate what is working and not working and keep tweaking. Involve the children too in this discussion. 

For more great ideas (conversation starters, quick recipes, game ideas), check out Family Dinner Project by Anne Fishel. The website is dedicated to cultivating family dinner time.

References

Fulkerson, J.A., Story, M., Mellin, A., Leffert, N., Neumark-Sztainer, D., & French, S.A. (2006). Family dinner meal frequency and adolescent development: Relationships with developmental assets and high-risk behaviors. J Adolesc Health, 39(3), 337–45.

Suggs, L.S., Bella, S.D., Rangelov, N., & Marques-Vidal, P. (2018). Is it better at home with my family? The effects of people and place on children’s eating behavior. Appetite, 121, 111-118.

Got some insights? Would love to read your comment below…

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Greetings! I’m Claire, a Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO; supporting Christian families with their 6 to 12 year old child’s challenging behaviours. Thank you for taking up your time to read this article, and hope that you found it useful to answering your questions.

Would you like more support, maybe more personalised to your situation? Check out myCaRE&CO’s services and e-mail me directly at info@mycareandco.com. You can also schedule a free ‘discovery call’ to discuss your child’s and family’s needs and goals. 

Claire Esikalam MSW, RSW, B.Ed. (Hons.) Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO.

www.myCareandCo.com

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