Worrying that your child will die usually reflects feelings of love for your child. This can be an autonomic feeling, meaning that you don’t have control over it and that the worry often seemingly comes out of nowhere. However, loving your child, does not necessarily have to come with such worries. In this blog post, I will explain where the worries are coming from, how you can minimise them, and how you can enjoy a healthy relationship with your child.
Where does the worry come from?
It seems like the worry comes out of nowhere. However, it is usually a reaction to an intense emotion. You love your child a lot, and you are so scared that something bad will happen.
It could also come from a real experience, where you did experience a loss or know someone who did.
At times this might be an implicit memory, meaning that something happened to you in your past that you might not remember from memory, but your body ‘remembers’ it. So for instance when you were very young, someone (it could also be a pet) died or disappeared from your life.
These worries are called ‘intrusive thoughts’. You are living your life, when all of a sudden this thought/worry appears out of nowhere. Sometimes it is also accompanied with body sensations, such as a tightness in the chest, or shallow breathing, or sweaty palms.
The more we fuel the worries with thoughts and importance, the bigger they become. And sometimes they feel like they take over our lives.
What to do about these worries/thoughts?
First it is very important to acknowledge the worries/thoughts for what they are. Do not dismiss them. So when you next catch yourself worrying about your child’s life, say “oh I worry that my child is going to die, because I love and care about my child so much”.
Next step is to bring your thoughts “to the now”. So you say to yourself “yes I worry so much about my child, and now I am looking at my child playing and so healthy”. If your child is at a place where you cannot visibly see at the moment (such as at school), you can say “yes I worry so much about my child because I care so much and don’t want my child to get hurt/sick/die. When I dropped off my child at school this morning, we talked about the day at school and how when I pick my child up we are going to the park.”
The third step could be ‘distraction’, and I use this word loosely, as we don’t want to focus on distraction without the previous 2 steps. So after doing steps 1 and 2, where you are basically talking to self and reassuring self, then you can focus on something that you are doing now. It could be you are cooking – so you focus on the cooking and the details. So each time your mind wanders, you bring it to focus on what you are doing in the moment. If you are not doing anything in particular in the moment, try to find an exercise which helps you to focus on the ‘now’. This could be different for everyone, but some ideas are colouring, taking deep breaths and focus on the breathing, standing on one leg, listening to music.
The work is not to erase the thoughts/worry completely, but it is rather training the brain to minimise the impact these thoughts/worries have on your and your child’s life.
I like scaling. Where are you on a scale 0 to 10, where 10 is you are extremely worried. Then after you do the exercise of acknowledging the feelings, bringing it to the ‘now’ and then ‘distraction’, where are you on the scale?
If this does not help, and you find that these thoughts and worries are crippling you, then I would suggest speaking to a professional, as they would be able to guide you individually based on your unique situation. Also, some instances could be harder, such as if you did experience a death of one child and worry immensely about your other children, or your child is seriously ill. Then, please seek support along the way, so that someone can hold your hand and guide you.
How to lessen the impact on our children
Even if we do not share this big worry with our child, children can sense our feelings. They might not know exactly what it is, but they can sense something is ‘off’. Sometimes our anxious thoughts can be transferred to our children, and they become anxious or show behaviours that were not there before, as a means of trying to connect with us and bring back the equilibrium.
So sometimes, sharing with our child – I am a bit worried today, because of some thoughts that are coming my way about people I care about, let me do some deep breathing/talk to God (or whatever you find useful to you). This teaches our children two things – first that they are not the cause of our worry (so they don’t feel burdened) and second they are watching closely and learning how we manage our worries/anxious thoughts.
When we find that we are preventing our children from experiencing a ‘normal’ childhood, because of our intense worries, such as not letting them go out to the park with a friend, or not teaching them to ride a bicycle, then we need to work on reassuring ourselves. It is something that we call ‘exposure therapy’. So, first of all safety planning with your child – if child is old enough to go to park with a friend, discuss with child how to make this work for both of you (without telling your child that you have intense worries, as they might start feeling that they need to protect you and your feelings by taking care of the adult). So saying something like “I love you and want you to be safe. How can we make sure that you enjoy your time with your friend and stay safe?” Some ideas could be dropping them off at the park and then picking them up at an assigned time, and speaking about safety while at the park and having a cell phone in case they need to call you.
You would start small steps with allowing your child to go to the park. It does not mean that you are not going to be worried. You are going to be worried, and you would do the 3 steps discussed about – acknowledge the feeling, bring it to the ‘now’ and ‘distraction. Then slowly you increase the ‘risks’ (the risk is not to your child, but the risk is the thing that makes you a little bit more worried) – so it could be walking back from the park by themselves (of course assess age of child and safety).
Now you also have to curb your ‘urges’. So hard at times to do! But for instance, to avoid driving by the park to see what your child and friend are doing. Or calling them every 5 minutes. So part of the planning, also include your part – how are you going to occupy that time when they are at the park? Some ideas could be going with a friend to a cafe nearby, or going to the gym.
Scaling again would come in helpful here too. Where are you on the scale with 10 being very worried that your child is at the park with a friend. What can you do to bring it down an 0.5? Being realistic about it all, and celebrating those small successes. Maybe even keeping a journal of the scaling – how were you a week ago on the scale vs today?
Again if you find that this is not working for you, and the worries are seriously impacting your life and that of your child, please seek professional support who can work individually with you and your unique situation.
From a Christian lens
As Christians, we cannot dismiss the power of prayer. Prayer helps us to give all our burdens to God. It does not mean that we don’t worry, but we can ‘share’ the burden with God. Also acknowledging that some things are beyond our control, and that there is a God who takes care of us. Prayer also serves as a kind of meditation, which brings our focus on the ‘now’. Additionally, don’t do this journey alone – find someone (hopefully someone that you can trust from the Christian community) to open your heart and feel safe. They might not have any answers, but together you can journey stronger and build each other up.
Got some insights? Would love to read your comment below…
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Greetings! I’m Claire, a Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO; supporting Christian families with their 6 to 12 year old child’s challenging behaviours. Thank you for taking up your time to read this article, and hope that you found it useful to answering your questions.
Would you like more support, maybe more personalised to your situation? Check out myCaRE&CO’s services and e-mail me directly at info@mycareandco.com. You can also schedule a free ‘discovery call’ to discuss your child’s and family’s needs and goals.
Claire Esikalam MSW, RSW, B.Ed. (Hons.) Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO.
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