You have tried time-outs on several occasions with your child. You have heard others using this discipline method. And yet, it is not working for your child. You are right, as time-outs are not an effective means of discipline. In this article, we will review why time-outs are not effective, and what to do instead.

What are time-outs?

A time-out is usually a strategy implemented by parents and/or caregivers to place the child who is ‘misbehaving’ in a designated space/room without any contact with others. So for instance, your child would scream and swear at you and you would tell child that this is not accepted and to go to their room for the rest of the evening. Or your child would hit an object or another person and you would tell child that hitting is not allowed and to sit by themselves in an area of the room for so and so minutes (depending on the age of the child).

Why time-outs don’t work?

However, time-outs, at best, are just a quick fix. They don’t address the underlying issue, and don’t help your child to learn other ways of dealing with their underlying issue. Additionally, if children feel that a time-out is used to “teach them a lesson”, it often increases the power struggle and instead ends in anger, frustration, and fails to achieve the outcome that the parent/caregiver intended.

Some people ask, but do I allow the behaviour then? And the answer to that is no. You still need to address the behaviour and let your child know that that behaviour is not allowed.

Others ask, but what to do when my child is hitting, I don’t remove him/her from the situation and ‘make’ him/her be isolated from others? So yes to removing him/her from the situation, but not making him/her sit isolated.

Others wonder, but what when my child is in the middle of a temper tantrum (an emotional meltdown) and if I give them more attention, they will ‘misbehave’ more. Shouldn’t they have quiet time to calm their emotions? So, no, giving them more ‘attention’ would not make them ‘misbehave’ more. You would first need to validate them, and then they might need quiet time or not depending on the child.

Why time-outs don’t work from a scientific point of view?

Let us look at what is happening to your child, and you would be able to see for yourself why time-outs don’t address the underlying situation.

When a child ‘misbehaves’ or acts out, you have to first ask yourself – is my child being ‘naughty’ (doing this behaviour with intent and purpose) or is this a body response? So, if we look at the examples above:

• child is screaming and swearing at you. Most probably it is a body response to something that is going on in your child’s life – it could be the body’s reaction to past trauma, or the body’s reaction to something that is going on now in your child’s life. For instance, they could be having a hard time at school, and they cannot verbalise it or understand it, so they ‘lash out’ by screaming and swearing at the person they feel comfortable with (usually the parent).
• child is hitting something or someone. Usually this occurs in the heat of the moment and it is not pre-meditated. It might be a trigger response – a ‘fight response’ of the nervous system when it perceives a threat. Again it could be from past trauma, or something in the moment which triggered a response coming from the body.
• child is having an emotional meltdown. When this happens child cannot control the many emotions that are coming. The emotions are way too much than they can handle/understand/make sense of. So they just have a meltdown. It is not something that they can control or ‘get a grip’ of themselves.

In all these instances, we can see that it is usually a body response. It could be from past trauma, or current situation which is too overwhelming for the child. The body is reacting subconsciously. So in these instances, the child needs someone to help them understand and make sense of the body response. By sending them to a time-out, they are going to feel more isolated, more scared/lost with their body reaction, and won’t learn alternative ways of managing their body reactions/sensations and in turn their behaviour. Time-outs also risk making children feel that their body reactions/sensations are wrong (the body reactions/sensations such as anger, sad, overwhelmed is not wrong, but it is how you/they deal with these emotions). And if they feel this way (their body reactions are wrong), then they might shut down on us adults or lash out more.

What are the alternatives to time-outs to address behaviours?

So the key is to tune in. Sometimes people are using the phrase ‘time-in’.

The general method goes like this:

1. Validate (helps to diffuse the situation)

First you validate. In this step you are speaking to the relationship and not the child/action. The purpose of this is for the child to feel heard, connected, and safe. This step helps to diffuse the situation from escalating. So in the examples we were following, you would say something like: I see that you are upset because you did not get the grade you were expecting. I see that the situation made you angry because you felt so unheard. I see that you feel terrible, because you did not sleep well last night as you were worrying about the situation. Hint: The priority is not what you say, but mostly the sincerity of it and the tone of voice. Also use ‘because’ statements and not ‘but’ statements, as the tone changes when you use ‘but’ and it comes across as you are ready to move on when the child might not be.

2. Address the behaviour

At some point in as few words as possible you might have to address the behaviour e.g. those words are not allowed here, hitting and hurting others is not allowed, banging on the door or throwing items is not allowed. Sometimes you can also phrase it as what is allowed. So for instance say – we use positive words in a kind tone of voice around here, we use gentle hands around here, etc. For now don’t spend too much time on this part – as otherwise it might end in a power struggle and things might escalate.

3. Being a safe space

The next step would be depending on the situation and your child. First, if safety is a concern, then the child needs to move away from the space they are in – either you as an adult go with the child to a safe space (unless you are the target), or you remove yourself from the space (if it does not feel safe for you the adult). Use your judgement. At the same time understanding that the child is lashing out because their body is not functioning properly – it is like it is running on empty. So, to feel better child needs a safe, caring adult to regulate. That is why a time-out won’t work, as the child is not able to regulate by himself/herself. So sometimes just staying beside the child – your physical presence is all the child needs at this time.

• Watch your body language – is your body language saying “I’m here for you, I care, let’s work it out together”, or is it saying “What a waste of time, I could be cooking. Here we go again. She/he is so rude and disrespectful to everyone”.
• Sometimes also, since each child is unique, your child might prefer to have some quiet space doing a quiet activity or listening to music by themselves. This is ok too, as long as it is what works for them.

4. Discuss when calm

Next would be addressing what happened. This comes at a time when you and your child have the time, are both calm and ready to discuss it. Here is where you (as the adult) listen with compassion to your child’s version of what was happening to him/her – the situation and also the body sensations. You (as the adult) would also bring up that the behaviour (screaming, yelling, hitting, etc) is not the right way to act. Together come up with ‘what could be different next time?’, ‘what would child need from you when they feel they are escalating?’, ‘how can we prevent it in the first place from escalating to a 10?’.

• Don’t send messages (sometimes we do this unintentionally) that you (as the adult) are disappointed with them, they are getting on your nerves, etc. If this is happening to you, then you would need to work on understanding that this is part of your child’s development and that they are not doing it on purpose (again it is not a deliberate act, but a nervous system/body response). It might be helpful to write down 5 things you like about your child, and try to rephrase the negative thoughts to positive twists e.g. my child is such a leader, my child is so expressive, etc.

5. Keep the conversations, as a safe caring adult

Keep having the conversations. Continue refining the strategies. Be consistent in sending the message to your child that you are a safe, caring adult that they can come to when they are not feeling well (their body feels off), and that you have their back and together can work it out.

• Continue working with your child, so that they can start learning what they need in those difficult moments, and what they need you (as the adult) to do. For instance, would it be helpful to them for you to do deep breathing together, or they want you to sit quietly and touch their back. Also for you (as the adult) to help them learn what is happening in their body when they are escalating – how do they recognise that they are escalating, what would be helpful so that they do not escalate so fast. For this, I like scaling: Adult: “so on a scale 1 to 10, where are you now?” Child: “At a 5.” Adult: “What would be helpful to remain at a 5?” or “What can we do so that you get down to a 4.5?”.

Some things to keep in mind

If you are thinking that this is a lot of work; you are right, this is not a quick fix and it takes time. However, once you address the underlying causes of the behaviours and you build that connection with your child – through caring, nurturing relationship; then you slowly see lasting results.

Also, two things to remember :)! First, a child’s brain doesn’t fully develop until the age of about 25 – so their behaviours will remain impulsive and have us wondering ‘what was she/he thinking’ until then. Secondly, all this is part of their development process, and it is not something that you did wrong as a parent/caregiver – so don’t beat yourself up by wondering if maybe you were not strict enough or that maybe you ‘should’ have done so and so. Just remain that caring, nurturing adult that your child developmentally needs.

Christian perspective

The Father says to come to Him when we are anxious and weary and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28-30). The same goes for our kids – when from the outside we see the challenging behaviours, we have to understand that underneath/inside they are lost, hurting and seeking help. So, as adults we need to nurture and care for the inside of our children, and we do this by bringing them close to us (a time-in) and not a time-out (pushing them away from us).

Further reading

Some authors who address this scientific concept that I am describing in this article, and if you would like to read more about it, are:

Mona Delahooke, Daniel A. Hughes & Jonathan Baylin, Daniel Siegel.

You can also check myCaRE&CO resources for a list of books.

Got some insights? Would love to read your comment below…

———————————–

Greetings! I’m Claire, a Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO; supporting Christian families with their 6 to 12 year old child’s behavioural challenges. Thank you for taking up your time to read this article, and hope that you found it useful to answering your questions.

Would you like more support, maybe more personalised to your situation? Check out myCaRE&CO’s services and e-mail me directly at info@mycareandco.com. You can also schedule a free ‘discovery call’ to discuss your child’s and family’s needs and goals. 

Claire Esikalam MSW, RSW, B.Ed. (Hons.) Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO.

www.myCareandCo.com

Follow me on Facebook and connect on LinkedIn.

Have you downloaded the Family Guidebook?

5 evidence-based tips to increase connection with your child & reduce the unwanted behaviours