Every parent at some point faces challenging behaviour from their child. While occasional lapses in manners are normal, persistent disrespect can be distressing. It’s crucial to focus on understanding the underlying causes rather than just addressing the outward behaviour. Let’s take a closer look at what’s really going on.
Identifying ‘Disrespectful’ Behaviour
In this article we will challenge the word “disrespectful behaviour”, and by the end of the article we will view this behaviour in a different light. In the meantime, what people mean by disrespectful behaviour in children can manifest in many forms. Understanding these views is the first step in addressing them effectively.
Common Behaviours that Might be Perceived as Disrespect
How does ‘disrespectful behaviour’ look like? Each individual has different experiences and answers to this. Some common consensus of behaviours that may display disrespect are backtalk, sarcasm, defiance, and a general lack of co-operation. Some examples can be eye-rolling, ignoring instructions, or outright refusal to follow directions. These behaviours can be very frustrating and raise various emotions in us, parents/caregivers. By understanding them for what they are, and recognising the root causes is key to intervening appropriately.
Differentiating Between Age-Appropriate Behaviour and Disrespect
Before we go any further, it’s important to keep in mind that some behaviours might come across as ‘disrespectful’, when in actual fact they would be age-appropriate behaviour. Younger children, for instance, may throw tantrums not out of rudeness, but as part of their developmental process. Teenagers often seek independence, which might be viewed as disobedience or disrespect or defiance. Identifying these nuances ensures that actions are interpreted within context.
Root Causes of ‘Disrespectful’ Behaviour
Whenever there is a behaviour in our children that is surprising us and making us look at the behaviour negatively, we need to analyse the behaviour and look ‘beyond’ the behaviour, to provide clarity and a path forward. Let’s delve into some possible root causes…
Environmental Influences
Children’s nervous system (the brain-body connection) is sensitive to family dynamics, peer pressure, and societal norms that can significantly impact a child’s behaviour. Children thrive on routines, boundaries and consistency. So if the home environment lacks clear boundaries and expectations, it can contribute to behaviours that might come across as disrespectful. Additionally, children often imitate behaviours they observe around them, whether from siblings, friends, or even media.
Emotional and Psychological Factors
Children’s behaviours are often an outward communication of the turmoil that is happening inside them. The behaviours are the visible part, while things like the child’s emotional state, mental health issues, and anxiety are the hidden part. Often children do not share with us adults what is going on internally for them (perhaps also because they do not understand and have the words of what is really happening to their body-brain/nervous system). However, if we step back and observe we might notice that it is this hidden turmoil that is leading to their outward behaviours. Additionally, stress from school or social situations might manifest as negative responses at home. Understanding these triggers helps in addressing the underlying emotional needs. (Tip: so it is not about ‘treating’ the ‘disrespectful’ behaviour, but it is rather about addressing the underlying emotional needs.)
Parenting Styles and Their Impact
Children might not know the technical names of the many different parenting styles, however they know (their nervous system knows) when a parent is for-them, on their side, fair, nurturing, clear expectations, etc. Different parenting styles actually shape how our children express themselves. For instance, authoritative parenting often fosters respect and cooperation, while permissive or uninvolved parenting may result in boundary-pushing behaviour and power struggles. By adapting our style, we may help in cultivating more co-operative behaviours and a respectful atmosphere.
Strategies for Addressing Behaviours that Might be Seen as Disrespect
Addressing behaviours that might come across as disrespect involves strategic and thoughtful approaches.
Open Communication Practices
Children need to feel safe and heard. As parents/caregivers we can certainly create such an environment, where our children feel safe to express their feelings. Ask genuine open-ended questions, be curious and not judgemental, and be more of an active listener than a preacher. This can bridge gaps and prevent misunderstandings.
Some questions can be: “I noticed that you cut me in mid-sentence earlier, what’s up?”, “I noticed that you banged the door when I mentioned about cleaning the kitchen, what’s up?”.
When asking questions, avoid using words like “abrupt” (first question example), or “angry” (second question example), and instead explain the behaviour that you noticed without giving your meaning to it. Like this you will avoid a power struggle, where your child might reply “I was not angry”, etc.
When children know they’re genuinely heard, they’re less likely to resort to behaviours that can be viewed as disrespectful. Instead you can engage with your child in meaningful conversations, where they share what is bothering them deep down.
Setting Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Get your children on-board! Don’t just fire out boundaries (punishments and threats) in the heat of the moment – as usually these are unrealistic and come across as ‘unfair’ to your child. Some examples that we are all guilty of: “no TV for 1 month”, “be home by 6pm”, “I will take your phone away for a whole week”, etc.
Instead, here is what works! Find a quiet time, and together establish firm, fair rules (expectations and realistic consequences), so that children know and understand what’s expected of them. This also helps to put responsibility on them, when they do not follow the rules. They also know what to expect if/when they do not follow the rules.
For instance, “if you arrive home past the curfew, without calling or texting me, then for the following 7 days we would need to reduce the curfew by 30 mins, as I worry about you”. Or, “when it is your turn to clean up after dinner, it is important for the family that the clean up has to finish 30 minutes before bedtime, so that we can have some quiet time/conversation for 30 minutes before bedtime. Is there anything I can help you to make sure that clean up happens 30 minutes before bedtime?”.
Another aspect is that consistency is key. After making sure that the rules are enforceable and the consequences clear, then make sure that you follow through. Also to note that sometimes the situation needs to be discussed, however do this at a later stage during some quiet, calm time.
Having this structure in place provides our children with a sense of security and fairness, which reduces power struggles and acting-out behaviours that can come across as disrespectful.
Modelling Respectful Behaviour
Children learn more from what they see than what they’re told. By demonstrating respect in your interactions, you set a powerful example for them to emulate. Show them how respect looks in everyday situations, and they’ll likely mirror that behaviour.
In addition, have conversations (age and developmentally appropriate) with your child about respect. If you notice something happening on TV, social media, in the community, that is not appropriate, have a discussion with your child. Most likely they noticed too, and have their opinion about it. For instance, “what do you think of the way the young boy spoke to his mom at the grocery store today?”, “what would have been an appropriate response?”, etc. It is important to highlight and discuss the positives too (not just the negatives).
When to Seek Professional Help
While many cases of behaviours that may come across as disrespectful can be managed at home, some situations might require outside intervention.
Recognizing Persistent Patterns
When ‘disrespectful’ behaviour becomes a persistent pattern, it might indicate deeper issues. If efforts to address behaviour don’t produce change, it may be time to consult a counsellor or psychologist to explore potential underlying causes. A counsellor might work with you (parent/caregiver) and your child to tackle the deeper issues – it might be through psychoeducation, learning new strategies to add to your already working toolbox, or supporting your child to build new skills.
Resources for Parents/Caregivers
Parents/caregivers can turn to various resources for assistance. Therapists, parenting workshops, and support groups offer guidance and support. Connecting with professionals provides tailored strategies to manage and improve behaviour. In addition, you won’t feel alone in this parenting journey.
Christian perspective
As Christian parents/caregivers, we have a duty to teach our children respectful behaviour and a responsibility to model respect to others. Some scripture that comes to mind:
- “Honour your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12), and “let every person be subject to the governing authorities” (Romans 13:1) – importance of respecting those in authority.
- “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4) – respect is reciprocal.
- “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12) – importance of treating others with kindness and respect.
- “Love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:31) – the emphasis is on loving the neighbour. So discuss differences, and how to love everyone.
- “Love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:31) – the emphasis is on loving yourself. So the importance of our children’s self-worth and to set healthy boundaries.
- “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Gal 5:22-23) – a respectful home based on these characteristics helps build trust among family members, which leads to compassion, empathy, and kindness towards each other.
- “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32) – we are humans and we all mess up. We apologise and have a do-over. This teaches patience, forgiveness and grace.
It is also important to note that we are all far from perfect, and we will mess up. As parents/caregivers we will fail. Our children will fail. We need God’s guidance and prayer as we raise our children. When we feel that they are behaving in ways that might come across as disrespectful; instead of pushing them away with criticism and harsh discipline, we have to lean in into them with love and curiosity to understand the underlying causes of their behaviours.
Conclusion
Understanding why your child behaves in ways that can be seen as disrespectful is a critical step toward change. Addressing the root causes with compassion and strategies tailored to your child’s needs can lead to a more respectful relationship. Remain patient and proactive, and remember that every effort contributes to positive growth.
Got some insights? Would love to read your comment below…
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Greetings! I’m Claire, a Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO; supporting Christian families with their 6 to 12 year old child’s behavioural challenges. Thank you for taking up your time to read this article, and hope that you found it useful to answering your questions.
Would you like more support, maybe more personalised to your situation? Check out myCaRE&CO’s services and e-mail me directly at info@mycareandco.com. You can also schedule a free ‘discovery call’ to discuss your child’s and family’s needs and goals.
Claire Esikalam MSW, RSW, B.Ed. (Hons.) Child & Family Therapist, Educator and Founder at myCaRE&CO.
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